*This is a collaborative post.
Children are so frequently a joy with their curiosity and the way they look at the world, and for a parent it can be fun helping them to understand the world they live in. As we all know, that fun can turn into a minefield easily enough when the curiosity drives questions that you don’t have an answer for. Or you do have an answer for them and it’s something that, at such an early age, it’s not productive for kids to know. Of course, evasiveness on these topics is only likely to increase a child’s curiosity, so not answering is not an option.
It is good for you and for your kid to have an honest exchange of information on as wide a range of subjects as possible. And that can include more awkward topics, because if handled correctly, this can be a way for your little one to learn diplomacy, to know when to be questioning and when to change the subject. But it is inevitably going to involve some conversations that will initially make you cringe. So let’s look at how and when to answer the questions that only kids ever ask.
Questions about you
Early on in your kids’ lives, you are their world. Their parents are everything to them, and they are the model for what a child wants to be. And they are going to want to know everything about you. Everything they learn about themselves – and at an early age, they’re learning things all the time – they are going to want to check with you. That can be deeply embarrassing, because we all know it’s going to involve conversations about their bodies (and, as a result, yours). And then there are the other questions that are less embarrassing, and more painful.
At some stage, your child will ask about death: it can be sparked by a news report on TV, the postman bringing life insurance quotes, or the loss of a member of the family or your social circle. Most parents’ answers will involve some reassurance that it’s nothing to worry about, it usually happens when you’re a lot older.
That brings the immediate rebound question: you’re older than them. So are you going to die and they have to be in a world without you? The answer can be upsetting for a child and has to be handled carefully, and there is no perfect way to answer; your eventual answer has to be something you genuinely believe, because it will have to survive any number of follow-up questions. Focus on the fact that death does eventually happen to all of us, but what matters is what we do while we’re living – and that you’ll help them be strong and brave so they’ll be OK even when you pass on.
Questions about others
Some of the most embarrassing questions a child can ask are the ones they ask in public. Because children are, generally, not so hot on the concept of “inside” and “outside” voices, they are prone to let their curiosity out in situations where it may make you cringe. While questions are the way we all learn, sometimes you’ll feel like there is a better time to learn. If you’re in a supermarket and your child points at someone and then loudly asks you a question such as “why do they look like that?” or “is she going to have a baby?”… it can be exasperating.
This is when kids need to learn how to be polite and diplomatic. There is a time and a place for questions, and without coming across as harsh and lecturing, it’s a good idea to explain to your little one why talking about others in this way can be a problem. The key difference is between “in public” and “in private”. In private, your child can ask you anything, comment on everything, and you’ll help them understand the world. In public, it is important to respect other people’s feelings, and grown-ups don’t like to be talked about by people who don’t know them. Explaining this, and inviting questions so your babe can understand what’s OK to talk about, and what isn’t, is the surest way to avoid those awkward moments.
Questions about the world
The last several years have been heavy weather for just about all of us, kids and adults alike. More than a few of us will have been through deep existential dread looking at the problems the world is facing – and we broadly understand what is going on, even if we can’t always figure out why. Now, if we are feeling like that, with years of adulting under our belts, imagine how a child would feel trying to understand climate catastrophe, finance, or civil war.
Yet your child will pick up on some things; it’s inevitable. And again, it is to you that they will turn with questions in order to better understand things. And being honest, here is where you sometimes need to admit that you, as an adult, sometimes don’t have good answers. If your young one wants to know why some people are so cruel, why people with the power to do something about bad things just let them happen, and other such questions, sometimes you’re going to have to admit that there are things in this world that some of us will never understand as long as we live. Even the wisest minds in the world struggle with this. You can only promise to do everything you can to keep the world safe for your children.
As a parent, the curiosity of your kids will always be, by and large, one of the greatest joys they bring into your world. Sometimes, curiosity takes a turn that makes life a bit more awkward for you. In those moments, all you can do is your best – your children, like you have done, will learn all they need to in the fullness of time. If you let them know that they’ll understand more the older they get, you’re doing better than a lot of people.
No one prepared me for the amount of questions my son asks a day. The problem is that he repeats the questions over and over again even when he’s got the answer. But saying that, I am glad he’s curious and wants to learn. Remembering that keeps me sane.
To be honest, sometimes I wish I can be a kid and ask the questions I am too afraid to ask now. For example, as simple as asking a person what’s their name after speaking to them for over a year and forgetting their name