*This is a collaborative post.
When you have children from a previous relationship, getting married for a second time or deciding to move in with your new partner can sometimes be complex. In these situations, people might not always be sure when it comes to what’s acceptable behavior from them, and expectations can often be unclear. Your new partner and your ex-partner will have an impact on what happens in your household, which can lead to unnecessary conflict and stress in your relationship.
However, the good news is that a blended family can absolutely be a happy family with the right work. Transitioning to this kind of family dynamic does require some preparation, so it’s a good idea to keep these tips and recommendations from experts in mind if you are considering moving in with your new partner or preparing to get married for a second time when you or your partner already has children.
Improve Relationship Communication
It is important to focus on nurturing your marriage or relationship, learning how to improve your communication skills, and becoming a strong team together while you figure out how to blend families the right way. Along with improving communication with your current partner, making an effort to communicate better with your ex-partner will also help as it’s important to remember that this can be a stressful time for them as they deal with the prospect of somebody else coming in and essentially becoming a parental figure to their kids. You can use Onward to make communicating about co-parenting, costs and more with your ex-partner easier. Onward is a handy app designed for co-parents and also offers a large advice database that you can use to get advice on blending families and more.
Be Realistic
It’s important to keep a realistic perspective throughout the process of blending your families. Bear in mind that everybody in your family is new to this situation, so don’t expect everybody to immediately get on and start acting like they’ve been a family together, as it might be awkward to start with and will take some time. Some families spend years adjusting to their new situation before they finally feel united and close as a family, but it is always better to take your time rather than forcing it as quickly as possible.
Support Your Kids
Whenever you can, it’s important to make sure that biological parents spend one-on-one time with the children on a consistent basis. One of the most important things about blending families together is to make sure that the children that are involved are supported and feel safe throughout. Remember that this is a new experience for the kids as well and they are likely to be feeling a range of mixed emotions about it. Sit down with your kids to come to an agreement with them regarding things such as what they are to call their new stepparent, and don’t push them to anything that they are not comfortable with. Bear in mind that some kids might act differently around a stepparent depending on where they are and who is present; for example, they might be happy to call their stepmother ‘mom’ when at home in private but switch to calling them by their first name when their biological mother is present. Alternatively, you could come up with a new and fun nickname for kids to call a stepparent. Whatever you choose, it’s a good idea to try and follow your child’s lead.
Get Support from Others
Before you start the process of blending your families, it’s important to get as much support and advice as you can about this type of family and how others deal with it. You might find it helpful to join support groups, forums, or even social media groups for stepparents and stepfamilies so that you can ask others about their experiences, what they have done to be more successful as a family and how they handled any challenges that they faced in the early days. While it’s important to remember that every family is different, there are often some common issues that might catch you by surprise when blending your family and speaking to others who’ve been through a similar situation can help you feel more prepared.
Work as a Team
It will be helpful when both parents and stepparents are working together as a team when it comes to cooperating with each other and keeping consistency with the household rules. For stepparents, it’s important to follow the lead of the parents and understand that stability for the children is the most important factor in this type of family. Stepparents may consider taking it to the parent if they do not agree with a certain parenting strategy or do not want to personally take part in a particular parenting method but avoid undermining the parent in front of the children. It is a good idea to have lots of parenting meetings with both parents and stepparents when blending a family, especially during the early stages. At this point, the key focus is on building a relationship between the stepparent and the children at a pace that the child is comfortable with.
Be Predictable and Consistent
It’s important that children are allowed to continue accessing their other home as much as they usually would when one side of their family has become blended. While it can be tempting to try and get more time together to spend as a new family, forcing kids to spend less time with their other parent so that they can spend more time in their other household will ultimately breed resentment. For stepparents, it is important for them to demonstrate that they do not pose a threat to the other biological parent and that they understand their role in their child’s life. They must show they are willing to be supportive and loving towards the child but will never try and replace their other parent. If stepparents and other biological parents can be friendly and supportive towards one another, this will go a long way in creating an environment where a child feels safe and supported, allowing them to build better relationships with their stepparent.
Build New Traditions and Keep Old Ones
Family traditions do matter, and how you approach these as a blended family can make a huge difference to how kids feel about their new situation. Keep some old traditions for the kids, and make sure that any traditions that include the other biological parent are always upheld, otherwise you run the risk of making children (and the other parent) feel like their mom or dad is being pushed out to make way for a stepparent. However, it’s also a good idea to create some new traditions together as a blended family. This could be as simple as what game you play on Christmas Day or what you eat for your Thanksgiving Dinner. It doesn’t have to be anything huge, but a small tradition that you can put effort into creating and doing together as a new family can be really helpful in giving kids a sense of belonging, especially if they’re involved in the picking and planning of the new family tradition.
Blending a family can be a complicated process. Take your time and keep these strategies in mind to create a happy and successful family life.
